Adding Details

Helpful Zaphod

This is just a quick post to show what I'm doing with one of the books.  It's really a novella and I'm expanding it into a novel.  This is made easier by the fact that it really is lacking in almost all details.  My first drafts are often that way.

Here are the original 337 words:

The Deervale cemetery sits up on the hillside, to the south and a bit lower than the AviTen HQ. It's full of gardens and wind chimes, benches and fountains -- but very few graves. Like everything else here, it's new, ornate, and refined. Mr. Kimura was the first person to be buried here whom I had known very well.

Akio sat alone under the canopy by the casket. Mr. Avigion had arrived just ahead of us, and there were a few more people from the office, gathered behind the empty chairs, watching as the minister pulled out his bible. Mr. Avigion sat on one of the chairs, though not beside Akio. She never looked up.


I wondered where Nadine was right now. Too busy to come to the funeral? Why did she show up in Deervale, then?



I thought about going and sitting by Akio. I didn't.



The minister spoke quickly about the shortness of life, about the need to hold on to what love we had, and remember all that is good in our world. He said we were blessed, here in Deerfield. I knew he was right, but I somehow felt worse for it, as though we had taken our blessings at the cost of the good life to others. I thought about going out and buying a new car, and about all the people who had trouble finding jobs because they couldn't afford a car to get to work. I thought about next year, going to college when some people couldn't even afford to finish high school. It wasn't my fault -- I knew that, and at the same time I thought there ought to be something I could do, like Akio and her no-kill animal shelter.


I hadn't expected Akio to speak. But she stood when the minister signaled her, and walked to his place. Dressed all in black, her head covered in a black hat, her eyes behind black sunglasses -- she looked like a ghost summoned unwilling out into the light.



Here is the new 440 word version:

 
The Deervale Cemetery sits on a gently sloping hillside to the south, and a bit lower than, the AviTen HQ. It's full of carefully tended gardens and wind chimes, trees, benches, fountains, ponds -- but very few graves. Like everything else in our secluded little world, it's new, ornate and refined. I hadn't really known anyone buried here before Mr. Kimura.



We left the car parked at the curb in line with the others and walked upward toward a pile of dirty and a canopy. I felt incredibly awkward in heels and a skirt. I'd even brushed my hair down and hid the odd colors beneath a scarf.



I felt like a fraud. My mouth went dry and I suddenly didn't want to be here, but I kept walking by my mother. Dad fell a few steps back, talking to someone from work, but I couldn't hear the words. Every sound seemed muted while the colors too bright. I looked down at my black shoes brushing through the perfectly clipped grass.



Akio sat alone under the wide, dark canopy by the casket. Someone had covered the lid with cherry blossoms, and I suspected the trees would be bare when next I went by the Kimura house. Mr. Avigion arrived a moment later and sat on one of the chairs, though not beside Akio. She never looked up.



Nadine hadn't shown up. Too busy to come to the funeral? Why did she show up in Deervale at all?



I thought about going and sitting by Akio. I didn't.



The minister spoke quickly about the shortness of life, about the need to hold on to what love we had, and remember all that is good in our world. He said we were blessed, here in Deerfield. I somehow felt worse for it, as though we had taken our blessings at the cost of the good life to others. I thought about going out and buying a new car, and about all the people who had trouble finding jobs because they couldn't afford a car to get to work. I thought about next year, going to college when some people couldn't even afford to finish high school. It wasn't my fault -- I knew that, and at the same time I thought there ought to be something I could do, like Akio and her no-kill animal shelter.



I hadn't expected Akio to speak. She stood when the minister signaled her, and walked to his place. Dressed all in black, her head covered in a black hat, her eyes behind black sunglasses -- she looked like a ghost summoned unwilling out into the light.